Pilot [1.01]

Ray: Okay, alright, I'm gonna ask you quickly and quietly to move to your nearest exit.

Debra: How did he ever become a police sergeant?

Ray: Cause he's a good cop, and they didn't make him count. Or eat.

Ray: Listen, Ma, I want to talk about Debra's birthday...

Marie: My god, talk about birthdays. Your birthday gift to me finally came this morning. Did you know they sent me a box of pears?

Ray: Yeah.

Marie: From a place called "Fruit Of The Month"?

Ray: That's right, how are they?

Marie: They're very nice pears. But, there are so many of them. There are over a dozen pears. What am I supposed to do with all those pears?

Ray: I think you're supposed to eat them.

Marie: Myself?

Ray: You and Dad and Robert.

Marie: How many pears can Robert eat? I appreciate the thought, but please, don't ever send us any more fruit again. Thanks.

Ray: Another box is coming next month.

Marie: What??!! More pears??!!

Ray: No, it's a different fruit every month.

Marie: Every month??!!

Ray: Yes, that's why it's called "Fruit Of The Month" Club.

Marie: It's a club??!! Oh, my god! What do I do with all this fruit?

Ray: Most people like it, Ma, they share it with their friends.

Marie: Which friends?

Ray: I don't know. Lee and Stan?

Marie: Lee and Stan buy their own fruit. Why did you do this to me? I can't talk, there's too much fruit in the house.

[Frank walks in.]

Marie: [to Frank] Do you know the fruit keeps coming, month after month? [pointing at Ray] He's got us in some kind of a cult.

Ray: It's not a cult, it's a club.

Frank: What do you mean, month after month? For how long?

Ray: A year.

Frank: My god, are you out of your mind? What do you think we are? Invalids? We can't go out and get our own fruit?

Marie: I tried to tell him.

Ray: Alright, I'll cancel the Fruit Club.

Frank: Marie--

Marie: I can't talk! There's too much fruit in the house!

Ray: Let's see, when I proposed you were 23. You said no.

Debra: Right.

Ray: Then I proposed; you were 24

Ray & Debra: No again.

Ray: Right, then I took a year off to regroup then I came back with a job; BOOM, married. That would make you 32----ish.

Robert: When did he get this?

Marie: Oh, that's an award your brother got for his sports-column.

Robert: Never ends for Raymond...

Marie: Oh, poor Robbie.

Robert: Everybody loves Raymond. I go to work people shoot at me, Ray goes to work and people do the wave. Then he sits down, has a hotdog, doodles on a piece of paper and they give him a trophy.

Marie: I've got baking soda! I smelled something questionable in the fridge.

Ray: From across the street?

Marie: No, when I was here yesterday. Oh, It's worse!

Ray: Time to leave, Dad. Buckle up... What're you doing?

Frank: [sniffing the twins' heads] I'm sucking the youth!

[Later]

Debra: The twins' heads smell like Old Spice. Your dad was here. Sucking the youth.

Ray: Why don't you go out with Linda tomorrow?

Debra: And leave the kids with your parents?

Ray: No, I'll do the kids.

Debra: Pffff...

Ray: I can do it. What about the time when you went to your aunt's for three days?

Debra: I took the kids with me!

Ray: Yeah, but I fed myself.

Marie: But where is Debra?

Ray: She went to the movies with Linda.

Marie: The movies? Some people get to live it up.

Ray: Hey, look at this, Cal Ripken signed my hat!

Debra: Oh that's great, look at this, Gregory spit up on my shirt.

Ray: I'm not trading.

I Love You [1.02]

Ray: Are you ok?

Debra: I'm fine.

Ray: Uh oh, fine is bad. What is it? What's the matter?

Debra: Nothing.

Ray: Nothing...nothing is worse!

Debra: I love you

Ray: ...And I you

[Debra walks off]

Ray: Debra! DEBRA!

Ally: STELLA!

Frank: [to Marie and Robert] This love stuff....we never mention it again.

Ray: Oh, now I don't love you?

Debra: You don't say it.

Ray: I do.

Debra: No, you don't.

Ray: I do!

Debra: When do you say it?

Ray: WITH MY EYES!

Ray: Listen dad, when was the last time you said I love you to someone?

Frank: What? Do you live in a freaking fairyland?

Marie: When we first got married, I said "I love you" all the time.

Frank: When? When did you say it?

Marie: I said it all the time!

Ray: Were you in my office, mom?

Marie: Yeah I was trying to get a pen to do the crossword puzzles. You know, your desk drawer is locked.

Debra and Ray: Yeah, we lock it now. It keeps the kids out.

Marie: Oh, that's a good idea! I broke a knife in it.

Robert: You know that shampoo that says "no more tears" on the bottle? There's tears.

Waitress: Extra sauce!

Bernie: She's the saucy one.

Waitress: And the assorted fried cheeses plate.

Ray: He's the fat one!

Ray: Hey, that's tongue. I thought you were a vegetarian.

Ray: [on the phone] Yea, I miss you too. Okay, yea, I'll see you tomorrow. And honey, I love you. Good, well, get used to it because I'm gonna say it all the time. Okay. Now give the phone to mommy.

I Wish I Were Gus [1.03]

Frank: Ray, I've got some news. I don't know the best way to break this... Your great-uncle Gus, dead!

Ray: Oh, no I liked him.

Robert: Yeah me too... Hey nuts!(referring to a bowl of nuts on the table)

Frank: He wants you to deliver his eulogy

Ray: Why? I hardly knew the guy.

Frank: It was his dying wish.

Robert: Even dead people love Raymond.

Alda: What's your problem Marie? I can't even say a word without you topping me.

Marie: I can't help it, you're easily topped!

Marie: You never even sent a gift.

Alda: My gift was that I came at all.

Marie: What kind of a horse's ass gift is that?

Alda: You'd be lucky to have a horse's ass!

[Ally drew a mustache on Jeffrey]

Frank: Can Hitler have a juice-box?

Debra: Hey, do you know what I think is really sexy?

Ray: What?

Debra: A man who does the dishes.

Ray: No, does nothing for me... Do you know what does it for me? A woman who does the dishes... with another woman!

Ray: Some funeral, huh?

Debra: Yeah.

Ray: Wanna do it?

Ray: Hi, I'm Ray. I'm here to talk about... Gus Barone.

Robert: Haaaaarrrr!!!

Ray: Thank you.

Standard Deviation [1.04]

Ray: You know I read somewhere where the happiest marriages are the ones where the man is smarter.

Debra: Oh, guess who wrote that...

[Ray puts away tax papers and sits next to Debra]

Debra: You promised you'd get this done!

Ray: That's not the point. The point is that... I will rub your feet!

Debra: You gotta, you gotta get this done.

[Ray pulls off Debra's socks and starts rubbing her bare feet]

Ray: Don't worry, in fact the whole idea of rubbing feet makes me sick.

Debra: Just shut up and rub.

[Ray continues to massage her feet, but starts tickling them as well]

Debra: That's not rubbing, that's tickling!

[Robert walks in]

Robert: Glad to see you're not busy.

[Ray is still caressing Debra's bare feet]

Ray: What makes you think we're not busy, Rob?

Debra: There's more than one kind of intelligence Ray.

Frank: That's right. There's STREET SMARTS!

[Debra smashes a bowl of ice cream into Ray's lap]

Ray: Mmm, fudgey.

Look Don't Touch [1.05]

[Andy is staring at Angelina, the attractive waitress.]

Andy: So, Angelina, how are you?

Angelina: Did you want something?

Andy: No, thanks. I just thought we could talk.

Bernie: [Angelina walks away] Ahh, did you smell her?

Ray: No, I read the sign Bernie, "Thank You for not smelling the help."

Bernie: Oh, man look at her. If I wasn't married, do you know what I'd do?

Ray: You'd wear the same underwear every day.

Frank: Hello, ladies!

Ray: What are you doing here?

Frank: Hehehe, I came to check out the new waitress.

Ray: Oh god.

Angelina: Hello, will you be staying for lunch?

Frank: Holy Crap! Uh....yes, I will, thank you.

[Marie thinks Ray might have an affair with Angelina, the attractive waitress]

Debra: Marie, I'm not worried. I trust Ray.

Marie: Oh, I'm not worried about Raymond either, dear. I'm worried about that pizza parlor putana!

Ray: [to Angelina] I'm sorry that was rude of me. This is Debra, the little lady. I don't mean little in a size way, or that she doesn't matter. She's my lady. She's my great big lady.

Frank, the Writer [1.06]

Robert: Michael threw his milk at me!

Frank: Isn't that great? That could be my second story! The digest loves a naughty baby.

Debra: Ray, Robert is still here.

Ray: Hey, Robert! What are you doing here?

Robert: I had a suspicion I needed to confirm.

Debra: Robert, what's wrong?

Robert: I don't think Michael loves me anymore.

Debra: What are you talking about?

Robert: He's not like Geoffrey, he seems standoffish.

Ray: You do know Michael is a baby, right?

Robert: Just a feeling. Cop's instinct. He wants nothing to do with me.

Your Place or Mine? [1.07]

[Ray and Debra are going over their bills.]

Debra: According to this, we can afford a car phone.

Ray: No. No car phone.

Debra: Why? Why do you fight technology?

Ray: I'm against technology?

Debra: Yeah.

Ray: Who introduced you to Wonderbra?

Ray: All three kids asleep. You thought I couldn't get Ally to take a nap.

Debra: Good job, honey.

Ray: Yeah. By the way, tomorrow we have to buy a pony.

Debra: Would you look at this great big stain here? The carpet guy swore up and down that he could get it out.

Ray: I don't want to hear about stains. The kids are asleep, the house is quiet. Now it's quality time. Just me and you.

[Ray starts reading the newspaper.]

Debra: You better be looking at jewelry ads.

[Marie barges into the house.]

Marie: Your father has finally done it.

Ray: What's that, learned to buckle his pants?

Frank: I've got the complete works of Arnold Schwarzenegger, except the one where he gets pregnant.

Debra: Where's Frank?

Ray: By now he's probably taping the toilet seat so he never has to flush.

Debra: Ray! She's in there chiseling my head stone!

Debra: [To Ray, about Marie] Anything she cooks for me you're tasting first.

Ray: You hear that?

Debra: No, I don't hear anything.

Ray: That’s the sound of all our clothes being refolded.

Frank: It's the celery that makes "tuna salad" tuna salad. What you gave me was tuna slop!

Frank: I can be sweet....it takes people time to discover that.

Debra: Robert, just do what I do; tell him you're tired and he'll climb off.

In-Laws [1.08]

Lois: So, how are things going with you, Robert?

Robert: Well, you know, one day you're rescuing a puppy, the next you're fishing a skull out of a toilet.

Ray: These people shouldn't be at the same table together. They shouldn't be in the same state!

Win, Lose or Draw [1.09]

Debra: You lost $2300 to your father?!?!

Ray: Relax, alright? We're gonna get the money back.

Debra: How?

Ray: When he dies.

[Robert interrogates Ray and Frank for illegally gambling]

Ray: What the hell are you doing?

Robert: "Good Cop/Bad Cop". It's just taking a little longer because there's only one of me.

Marie: You're giving him back that money!

Frank: Like hell, I am! I want to teach him a lesson. You up the stakes, you lose a lot. Play with fire, you're going to get burned.

[Waves check in front of Raymond]

Frank: AND ALWAYS, THANK YOU, COME AGAIN!

Frank: You're not talking to me?

Marie: Nope.

Frank: [smiling] I just keep winning.

Marie: This is for you.

Debra: Ahh. But I thought Frank said...

Marie: No, he doesn't know anything about that. This is my money.

Debra: You have money?

Marie: Oh... My father, oh, such a wise man. On my wedding day, he took me aside, gave me $200, and said, "Here". This is if you come to your senses and leave Frank.

Debra: Wow. My dad only gave me fifty.

Ray: For the last time I'm not taking the money. I lost it, that's all. I'm a big boy alright? If I take the money what kind of message does that send to my kids? That no matter what happened you can go to your father and he'll make everything ok?

Frank: You're right. You're right.

Ray: What, what am I right about?

Frank: You should be able to go to your father, and he should be able to make it ok. [Gives Ray his money back]

Frank: So Ray, you feel like a winner?

Ray: Not really.

Turkey or Fish [1.10]

Ally: My teacher says they had fish at the first Thanksgiving.

Ray: Yeah, well, people were stupid then, sweetie!

Debra: Look, Ray, we want to start our own tradition, and Ally wants it to be like the first Thanksgiving.

Ray: Well, why don't we have some smallpox then, too?

Ray: You want me to convince my parents to come here, and my sales pitch is, "mmm, mmm, fish!"

Ray: I got the last of the baking powder. I had to fight two old ladies to get it.

Debra: What did you do?

Ray: Nothing I'm proud of.

Ray: Debra, calm down. You're reacting to missing squash like the time we left Ally at the mall!

Debra: I can't compete with your mother's turkey Ray, the woman has giblets in her blood!

Ray: My mom is such a great cook. Thanksgiving, that's kinda what makes my mom...worth it.

Frank: [Looking at the TV] What the hell is this crap?

Warren: That's soccer. Frank, only in America is football the game that you're familiar with. In many countries, when people refer to football, they actually mean soccer!

Frank: In many countries people eat cats.

Uncle Mel: My god! That fish smell is like a....a punch in the face.

Marie: Where do you want me to put this turkey?

Debra: I'll tell you where you can put it...

Debra's Mother: You want some yams?

Uncle Mel: No, I hate yams.

Ally: [dressed up as a yam] You hate yams?

Debra: Aw, honey, he doesn't hate ALL yams.

Uncle Mel: Yes, I do, I hate them, they're very binding!

Captain Nemo [1.11]

Ally: Mommy, that man over there is smoking!

Dave: Narc!

Ally: Good morning, Mommy.

Debra: Hi, honey. Where's Daddy?

Ally: In the shower singing. He's terrible!

Debra: You know I gave up some stuff when we had kids.

Ray: I know...did it have to be sex?

The Ball [1.12]

Marie: Why do you insist on making this car wreck our Christmas tree every year? I want a real tree.

Frank: An artificial tree saves water, saves the forest, and saves the planet. I'm a conservationist.

Marie: You're cheap.

Frank: Alright, I'm saving money.

Debra: Mommy is just wrestling daddy.

Ray: Wait, Mickey Mantle didn't sign this ball? It isn't real?

Frank: It's a real ball.

Marie: What's the matter?

Ray: Nothing, nothing's the matter.

Debra: Oh nothing at all, except Ray was just about to tell Ally the truth about Santa Claus.

Marie: You what?!?!

Ray: NO, I didn't tell her.

Marie: My own son, an atheist?!?!

[Robert enters dressed as Santa Claus]

Robert: Merry Christmas! Is Ally here? I understand there are doubts about me in this house! [to Ray] Ho, Ho, Ma told me what you did... nice.

Ray: There are now. Come on, Robert--

Robert: No, you have me mistaken for some other party for I am jolly old Saint Nick.

[Ally walks in]

Debra: Look, Ally, it's Santa Claus.

Ally: Santa?

Robert: Yes, it is really I, and I came to see you Ally because I heard you were a very good girl this year and you're going to get everything you want. [to Ray] Unlike some other people. [in disgust] Ho ho ho ho ho.

Ray: Hold the ho's, I want to talk to you for a minute.

Robert: I'm sorry, I'm with a client. And you may call me Mr. Claus.

[Frank enters, dressed as Santa]

Frank: Where's Ally?

[Frank notices Robert]

Frank: Ho-ho-holy crap. What are you doing here?

Robert: I'm Santa Claus.

Frank: You're Santa?

Ray: Okay, will you guys cut it out already. She's confused enough as it is.

Frank: What's there to be confused about? I'm the real Santa! Who is this impostor?

Debra: Well, you couldn't both be Santa. You must be Santa's helpers.

Frank: Right! He's my helper. Helper, why don't you warm up the reindeer and bring the sled around?

Robert: I bet you can't even name the reindeer.

Frank: Rudolph! Donner, Blitzen... those are the main ones. We rotate them so they wear evenly. Cupid! Ajax! And... Lefty!

Robert: Now we know the truth.

[Ally pulls off Robert's Santa beard]

Ally: It's Uncle Robert!

Robert: [in Santa voice] No, no. I have merely assumed the body of a life form suitable to you.

Ray: Robert, you're Santa, not a Klingon.

Frank: You mean that even though you know that ball's a fake it still means something to you?

Ray: Yeah, yeah dad.

Frank: Then this Christmas you're gonna love the Rolex I got you.

Debra's Sick [1.13]

Who's Handsome? [1.14]

The Car [1.15]

Diamonds [1.16]

The Game [1.17]

Marie: Oooh, all of a sudden you have scruples.

Frank: I have scruples Marie. I've got scruples the size of basketballs.

Recovering Pessimist [1.18]

The Dog [1.19]

Neighbors [1.20]

(Frank is showing off the birdhouse he built when he sees the video playing on the TV. He doesn't realize it's a video one of the neighbors shot of him on the porch naked)

Frank: (chuckling salaciously) Hey, whoops...Porno party!

Raymond: (grabbing the birdhouse and trying to distract Frank) Show me where this goes, put it up in the tree--

Frank: (amused) Who's the fat-ass? (Marie knows)

Marie: (mortified) Frank!

Frank: (equally mortified) Holy crap...

Priest: ...There was a man on our church council a few years ago. A decent enough fellow but a little abrasive. Oblivious to anyone else's feelings. I used to fantasize about him converting to Judaism. I wanted to get him out of my hair. One day I said Frank...

Ray: Wait, the man's name was Frank?

Priest: That's not important. What's important is...

Ray: Frank Barone?

Priest: You know Frank Barone?!

Ray: He's my father!

Priest: Your parents are Frank and Marie Barone?!

Ray: Yes!!!

Priest: You're absolved.

Ray: What?

Priest: Our Lord forgives your thoughts.

Ray: Really?

Priest: Well, I could look it up but I'm almost positive.

Fascinatin' Debra [1.21]

Why Are We Here? [1.22]

Ray: So God made us smart enough to know there's an answer, but not smart enough to figure it out?

Robert: (frustrated) "COME ON!!!"

Frank: You want to know the meaning of life? You're born, you go to school, you go to work, you die. Canole....Marie