Hangin' with Mr. Super [1.01]

[Thurgood suspects Calvin and Juicy are skipping school and attempts to catch them in the act.]

Thurgood [to his friends]: Look at 'em, makin' they plans. [to Calvin and Juicy] Hi, boys.

Calvin and Juicy: Hi, Super. Hi, Jimmy.

Sanchez: Hi, boys.

Calvin [whispering to Juicy]: What's that guy's name with the funny voice?

Juicy [whispering to Calvin]: I don't know. My mom said not to stare at him.

[both cover their faces with their hands and walk off]

Calvin and Juicy: Hi.

Bones, Bugs and Harmony [1.02]

[Thurgood is getting the other tenants to pay their rent for Rent Day.]

Thurgood: Hey, Haiti Lady! It's Rent Day!

Haiti Lady: Well, it's like this, Super: thing's a little tight this month.

Thurgood: Oh, yeah? Are they as tight as standing room on the raft back to Haiti?

Haiti Lady: [gives Thurgood her rent payment] Oh, keep the change!

Thurgood: [walking off] Yeah, I thought not!

[Thurgood, Calvin and Juicy are set to clean the projects of the roach problem]

Thurgood: Okay, everybody, put on your masks. These are dangerous chemicals we gonna use here.

Juicy: [wearing a princess mask] Like this?

Thurgood: [sighs] Let him be, Thurgood. It's just natural selection.

The Door [1.03]

[Thurgood is fixing a sink pipe]

Nula: Hey Super, did you find out why the hot water is not working?

Thurgood: Yeah, the hot water ain't workin' 'cause your daddy ain't workin'! You tell yo' dad to get a job and pay the gas bill, then you got some hot water comin' to ya. Until then, y'all go on and chill. That's what you kids say, "chill", right? Well, now you know what it means to chill. Now go on, keep it real.

[Thurgood discovers Calvin and Juicy playing with a dog in the projects]

Thurgood: How'd that dog get in here, Calvin?

Calvin: Come in the front door, Super. It's broken again.

Thurgood: Again? I just fixed the door last week!

Mrs. Avery: Hmm. You call that fixed?!

Thurgood: [sees the broken door and gasps] Son of a Billy Dee!

[after a gang takes over the building]

Haiti Lady: Super! The gang's taken over this building!

Thurgood: I know, my bad.

Jimmy: There were three drive-bys today!

Thurgood: They're bad.

Sanchez: I'm scared!

Thurgood: They're scary.

Mrs. Avery: You know they violated me?!

Thurgood: Oh God, they're crazy.

Journal Fever [1.04]

Muriel: Dear Diary, the word for today is... [makes shivering noises]. This must be the coldest day of the year. The temperature outside is harsh and unbearable as my--

Thurgood: Muriel, can I get some ice cubes, please? It's called Kool-Aid, not Warm-Aid.

[Thurgood and Muriel at HUD]

Muriel: And how are your kids?

HUD Lady: You know, Lasagna had dectuplets. But you don't see her on Time magazine with her teeth all fixed.

Muriel: [gasps] Congratulations! What are their names?

HUD Lady: There's Rwanda, Dorito, Rolex, Neutrogena, Teflon, DKNY, Lexus, Dyslexus, Dentine, and Absorbine, Jr.

Rich Man, Porn Man [1.05]

[Thurgood and Muriel encounter Smokey while exploring an abandoned movie theater]

Muriel: Smokey, how's your 12-step recovery coming?

Smokey: Pretty good. Doctors say I'm down to 88% body crack.

[Thurgood discovers that Tarnell gave the movie theater porno films]

Thurgood: What have you done?!

Tarnell: This is what you wanted, right?

Thurgood: You told me you'd get me a good movie; you said it'd be cherry pie!

Tarnell: It is! [camera pans up to the movie theater sign, which reads "Cherry Pie in Orgy & Bess"]

Bougie Nights [1.06]

[The Hilton-Jacobs tenants are hosting a memorial service for a deceased tenant]

Thurgood: We are gathered here today to bury one of our own. What can I say about the deceased? [someone in the audience coughs] Uh, hmm. [checks the coroner's report] He was, uh, five foot six, and uh, weighed 155 pounds and had no distinguishing marks or scars. [to himself] My God, he's never weighed a pound and a half. Well, that's serious.

A Hero Ain't Nothing But a Super [1.07]

[Thurgood attends a banquet celebrating him being a hero]

Reporter: Mr. Stubbs, I understand you'll be testifying tomorrow against the burglar you caught. Are you afraid?

Thurgood: Uh, fear is just one of the many words I don't know the meaning of. Next question. Come on, I'm happy to answer anything.

Reporter #2: Where's your wife?

Thurgood: Interview over!

[Thurgood attempts to get Tarnell to send for help]

Thurgood: Look, Tarnell, we're in trouble. A dangerous criminalist tied us up. Go call the police.

Tarnell: Tell Tarnell.

Thurgood: I just did! Now go get the police!

Tarnell: Supe's the hero! Superhero!

Thurgood: Would you shut up and go get the police, please?

Tarnell: Hero sandwich! Hero-shima!

He's Gotta Have It [1.08]

Mrs. Avery: Super! It's too hot! When you gonna turn down the furnace?!

Thurgood: The furnace ain't on; it's the middle of summer, you crazy old bat!

Mrs. Avery: Well, when you gonna fix my calendar?!

Thurgood: Now, what the hell you buy a calendar for anyway? You ain't gonna get to finish it! [slams door]

Muriel: Thurgood, that's no way to talk to Mrs. Avery.

Thurgood: You know somethin'? You right. [opens door and shouts in the hallway] YOU DRIED-UP, OLD GARGOYLE!

[Thurgood has been sent to the hospital after having a heart attack]

Doctor: Mr. Stubbs, you had a mild cardiac episode, which we believe was due to prolonged hypertension.

Thurgood: Give it to me in English, doc.

Doctor: You have very high blood pressure.

Thurgood: Hey, look, we didn't all go to DeVry, all right?

Doctor: Okay. Your blood is bad, especially when you get mad, and if you die, you'll be very, very sad.

Thurgood: What did you flush down the toilet?

Haiti Lady: Just cotton balls.

Thurgood: [pulls out a goat's head] This is a goat's head!

Haiti Lady: Cotton Balls was his name.

Boyz 'n the Woods [1.09]

Calvin: [on Juicy burning himself with an entire bag of marshmallows] Juicy screams like a GIRL!

Juicy: You oughta know, since you're with Chelsea all the time.

Calvin: You take that back!

Juicy [chanting]: Calvin and Chelsea, sittin' in a tree...

Calvin: Shut up!

Sanchez/Jimmy/Thurgood/Walter/Juicy: K-I-S-S-I-N-G!

Calvin: See what you did?!

Thurgood: Now, now, Calvin, bein' in love is nothin' to be ashamed of. Took me 23 years of marriage to learn that.

Calvin: I'm not in love with her.

Jimmy: Everybody falls in love sometime, little bro. Mr. Sanchez here has a crush on his voice therapist.

Sanchez: Shut up!

Jimmy, Thurgood and Walter: Sanchez and Voice Therapist, sittin' in a tree...

Sanchez: See what you did?

[telling the story of Red Moley, the bastard son of a hundred maniacs, to Calvin and Juicy]

Walter: It was on a night like this that Red Moley would POUNCE! [nothing happens] That Red Moley would jump out of the bushes and scare chill'ren! [nothing happens] That Red Moley would stop takin' a leak and hit his cue!

[Thurgood overhears this and zips up his zipper too fast, causing him to scream, scaring the boys, who run off]

Walter: Okay, Thurgood, you can stop screamin' now.

Thurgood: NO I CAN'T! I'M CAUGHT IN MY ZIPPER!

[Walter and Thurgood are at the police station to find the missing boys]

Walter: We took some boys on a make-believe camping trip, and uh, w-w-we may have killed 'em.

Thurgood: Walter, NO! Nuh-uh, that's not what happened, officer. [to Walter] What's wrong with you, Walter? [to the police officer] Look, we like to report some missin' kids. That's it. The missin' kids. Yeah, that sounds better.

Police Officer: When's the last time you saw them?

Walter: We last saw them runnin' down the street after Red Moley scared the urine out of 'um.

Police Officer: Who's Red Moley?

Thurgood: Oh, he's a serial killer. Oh, well, actually, he's me. [chuckles]

Police Officer: You're a serial killer?

Thurgood: No, no, no, no, Red Moley is a serial killer.

Police Officer: And you're Red Moley.

Thurgood: Yes. Uh... [points offscreen] What's that over there?!

Operation Gumbo Drop [1.10]

Thurgood: [overhearing discussions of the gumbo cook-off] Everybody knows my stock rocks, my chicken is kickin', and my shiz-rimp is the shiznit!

Muriel: And no one can touch yo' spicy sausage!

Thurgood: Yeah, especially with my crabs all over it.

U Go Kart [1.11]

[Thurgood, Calvin and Juicy have finished rebuilding a cart they found in the dump]

Juicy: Hey, Super, what we gonna name her?

Calvin: I know! How about LeBaron?

Juicy: Or Tercel?

Thurgood: No, no, no. You don't go givin' cars people names. You gotta give it a name that says class. That says somethin' about... about you. [paints "Poorsche" on the traffic cone]

House Potty [1.12]

Thurgood: Eleven clogged toilets today. That's a janitor's dozen! The only thing that gets me through days like this is knowin' that I get to come home to you.

Muriel: Oh, Thurgood!

Thurgood: [drinking his 40] If only toilets went down as smooth as you.

Haiti Sings the Blues [1.13]

Thurgood: Rasta Man, what's goin' on up here?

Rasta Man: I'm tending to my gar-- [coughs] garden.

Thurgood: You know, I never even knew it was a garden plot up here. Too damn bad this whole place had to go to pot like this.

Rasta Man: Ah, if only whole place had gone to pot.

How the Super Stoled Christmas [2.01]

Thurgood: Season's greetings, Sanchez. Merry como estas.

Sanchez: Well, I may have a touch of--

Thurgood: Good. Glad to hear it. Here you go. [gives him a tip envelope]

Sanchez: A tip envelope?!

Thurgood: That is no pressure. I don't want to put any heat on you. Of course, if you want any heat on this winter, you might want to toss in a 20.

Nula: [witnessing Thurgood repossessing her fish tank] But Santa, why are you stealing our fish tank? Why?

Walter: [narrating] Now, that old dirty bastard was as smart as they get. He thought of a lie and quickly, you bet.

Thurgood: Phantom Menace is the best Star Wars yet!

Home School Dazed [2.02]

Juicy: Luke, join me! It is your destiny!

Calvin: Juicy Vader, I will never come over to the dark-skin-ded side!

Juicy: Luke, I am your father. [takes off glasses] Probably.

Calvin: NOOOOOOOOO!

Muriel: Bebe, remember that big blizzard back when we were kids? We were stuck at home for two weeks.

Bebe: Uh-huh. I was so pissed 'cause I couldn't see my boyfriend. Funny, it seemed so important then; today, heh, I can't even remember what subject he taught!

The Postman's Always Shot Twice [2.03]

Muriel: What are you doing?

Thurgood: Clearin' some space. My new exercise tape is coming in the mail today.

Muriel: Another exercise tape? You've already bought Abs of Steel, Buns of Steel, How to Steal.

Thurgood: I don't remember buying that one.

The Preacher's Life [2.04]

Muriel: Haven't you heard of the expression "Leave them wanting more?"

Thurgood: Well, I thought I did! Now, look, I show God my love for him, and what does he do? He punketh me in front of my flock!

Muriel: You best watch what you sayin', Thurgood. You been electrocuted once. You tryin' for a thunderbolt?

Thurgood: He wouldn't dare! Most people wouldn't know about Him if it wasn't for me.

Muriel: Thurgood Stubbs! You better check yo'self before you wreck yo'self! Pride goeth before a fall!

The HJs [2.05]

Juicy: [finding the album to Richard Pryor: Bicentennial Nigger] Hey, can we listen to this old album?

Thurgood: Listen to it? We can't even say the name anymore.

Calvin: Well, why can't we?

Thurgood: African-American, please.

Muriel: Thurgood, I was just looking at the ratings. We have hardly any male listeners between 18 and 34.

Thurgood: Muriel, it's the projects. We have hardly any males between 18 and 34, period.

[Thurgood and Smokey are performing a live comedy skit]

Thurgood: I'm trying to clean up this neighborhood, and I'm wondering if you could help me by pointing out some of the drug addicts.

Smokey: Mm, okay, but uh, nowadays drug addicts have some pretty peculiar names.

Thurgood: You mean nicknames.

Smokey: Well, street names like uh, Who's on crack, Say What's on smack, and uh, I Don't Know freebases.

Thurgood: Well, do you know the fellows' names?

Smokey: I said Who's on crack, Say What's on smack, and I Don't Know freebases.

Thurgood: Well, who's on crack?

Smokey: Yes.

Thurgood: I mean, the fellow's name.

Smokey: Who?

Thurgood: The guy on crack!

Smokey: Who?

Thurgood: The crack addict!

Smokey: Who is on crack.

Thurgood: I don't know!

Smokey: I don't know freebases.

Thurgood: Who freebases?

Smokey: No, who's on crack.

Thurgood: Say what?

Smokey: No, he's on smack.

Thurgood: Who's on smack?

Smokey: No, who's on crack.

Thurgood: I don't know!

Smokey: Freebase!

Thurgood: Shut up, you damn stupid crackhead!

[HUD pulls WHJS off the air as a result of Thurgood firing Smokey.]

Thurgood: I've got another joke!

HUD Lady: Too late, Mr. Stubbs. But I happen to know a new station that's hiring right now.

Thurgood: Really? Which one?

HUD Lady: WNXT... NEXT!!!!

Haiti and the Tramp [2.06]

Thurgood: [coming out the restroom holding a guitar; singing] ♪ I got the "better-not-go-in-there" blues. Oh, no. ♪

Bebe: Uh-uh! Uh-uh! Don't be bringin' that noise in here. You ain't no ghetto superstar. You're barely a ghetto super.

Walter: Oh, excuse me, Miss Haiti.

Haiti Lady: Oh, Walter, please, call me Garcelle.

Walter: Garcelle? Is that Haitian for "lovely"? [Haiti Lady giggles]

Thurgood: Walter, you're drunk. Go home.

Walter: How do you account for the disproportionate amount of Haitians in one apartment.

Haiti Lady: It's not their fault that they're poor. They were oppressed by fascists like you!

Walter: Tell me, Garcelle, when your raft came through customs, uh, did you have to declare that bug up yo' ass?

Smokey the Squatter [2.07]

Thurgood: [seeing Smokey in the window] There's a gremlin on the wing! Oh, that scared the Shatner outta me!

[Thurgood and Smokey are flying above the projects.]

Smokey: [thinking] Can you read my mind? Do you know what it is I'm thinking of?

[the wind stops, causing them to fall]

Thurgood: We gonna CRASH!

Smokey: Again?! I just crashed an hour ago!

Thurgood: [reading from MSQ] Superintendents, uh, if you allow someone in your building for even one night, it may take up to six months to legally evi-- SIX MONTHS TO EVICT?!

Smokey: Six months?! I thought it said six days! Good lookin' out, Super! [goes back inside his apartment and slams the door]

Thurgood: [groans] I knew learnin' to read would come back to haunt me.

Weave's Have a Dream [2.08]

Thurgood: Good mornin', boys. Y'all enjoyin' yo' Martin Luther King Day?

Juicy: It's Martin Luther King Day?

Calvin: I thought it was Rodney King Day.

Thurgood: What the hell-- Rodney King Day?! Rodney King don't deserve no damn holiday! He's nothin' like Dr. King. Dr. King wanted freedom, but he was hassled by the police, roughed up and put in jail.

Juicy: You mean like Rodney King?

Thurgood: No, not like Rodney King! Don't you know that Dr. King was so revered, that people rioted because of him?

Calvin: Yeah, like Rodney King.

Thurgood: No, not like Rodney King! Dr. King marched in the face of oppression! He wouldn't let the white man keep him down!

Juicy: Was he on PCP, too?

Thurgood: Hey, stop yo' foolin'.

Thurgood: Now let's hear from those who have achieved their dreams. [someone coughs] What, am I the only one?

Muriel: Well, I used to sort of have a little dream. I thought it would be fun to be a hairdresser.

Bebe: Hairdresser, nothin'! You used to say you wanted to have a beauty parlor, just like the one our mama went to!

Muriel: Bebe, I think I can tell this.

Bebe: Oh, I'm sorry, girl. Go ahead on. Go ahead.

Muriel: Well, anyway, Mama--

Bebe: Not just Mama! We liked goin' there, too! 'Cause it was a place where all the women would gather and tell stories and gossip! Of course, now, Mama was the worst! She'd talk and talk and talk, and nobody could get a word in edgewise. Ha. Remember that?

Muriel: You sure it was Mama?

Bebe: She was all the way live. Come to think of it, havin' a beauty parlor was my dream, too.

Thurgood: Welcome, everyone, to Muriel's beauty shop, or as we like to call it, Dream Weavers. [laughs] You know, because it was her dream and we use weaves! [laughs] Yeah.

Mrs. Avery: Thank you, Charlie Callas. [hits Thurgood with her walker]

Let's Get Ready to Crumble [2.09]

Deke "The Physique" Van Owen: And I say, "I thought you were 'thank the monkey!'"

[Deke, Bebe and Jimmy laugh]

Sanchez: It's a mistake anyone could have made, Senator Van Owen.

Thurgood: Senator Van Owen? That's a pretty sissy name for a wrestler.

Jimmy: It's not a wrestling name. He actually is the senator of our state.

Calvin: Hey, tell us about when you were a navy seal. Did you ever kill anyone?

Deke: Well, Calvin, unfortunately, killing is a necessary part of war.

Thurgood: [scoffs] Big deal. I killed plenty of seals when I was in the navy, and that wasn't even my job!

Deke: Mr. Stubbs, I get the feeling you're upset with me about something.

Thurgood: Oh, like you don't know. Well, maybe this will refresh yo' memory. [pulls off the table cloth]

Deke: You were the drunk that ruined my wedding!

Thurgood: No, I was the Conquerin' Conquistador.

Who Da Boss [2.10]

[Thurgood is filling out his monthly superintendent evaluation]

Muriel: Hi, Goodie. Whatcha doin'?

Thurgood: Yeah, I'm fillin' out my evaluation of myself. Good news, Muriel. I'm strong leadership material.

Muriel: This is supposed to be filled out by your supervisor, Mr. Saunders.

Thurgood: Yes, and if he was sober, I'm sure he'd give me the same high marks, God bless his big, puffy gin-blossom nose.

[Thurgood delivers his evaluation to HUD]

HUD Lady: This is dated today.

Thurgood: Uh, yes, he signed it this mornin'.

HUD Lady: Interesting, 'cause he was dead a week when they found him!

Thurgood: Hmm, a whole week? [gets pulled back by HUD Lady and beaten with a baton. Eats the evaluation]

HUD Lady: Any other felonies you wanna commit?

Thurgood: Uh, no, I'm good. [swallows evaluation] I'm just gonna get back to work now.

HUD Lady: You know, if I were you, I'd take the day off.

Thurgood: Really?

HUD Lady: Sure. 'Cause once we here your new supervisor, you ain't NEVER gonna stop workin' again! [laughs diabolically, then says in a sing-song voice:] Ne-ext!

HUD Lady: [on Jimmy's application as Thurgood's new supervisor] It was the most organized and professional application we ever received. It made the choice easy.

Thurgood: You hear that, Jimmy? You got it! You're my new boss! Congratulations! Raise the roof! Raise the roof!

HUD Lady: Not him. We hired the person who filled out the application.

Muriel: Hi, Thurgood! Guess what? I'm your new boss!

Jimmy/Thurgood/Sanchez/Walter: What?!

Fear of a Black Rat [2.11]

Bebe: Oh, Warden Brubaker, you were delicious.

Jimmy: Why, thank you, prisoner 1010321. You're the sexiest felon on the cellblock.

Bebe: Mmm, honey, be a love and get the key to these handcuffs, will ya? They're cuttin' into my wrists.

Jimmy: I don't know. Do you think you deserve time off for bad behavior?

Bebe: Uh, Jimmy, just bring me the damn key.

Jimmy: Oh, sorry, I didn't realize the game was over.

Muriel: Thurgood, thank God you're home. We have a thief in the building.

Thurgood: Really? Well, guess what? We also have stairs in the buildin'. And-- brace yourself-- we also have a roof!

Mrs. Avery: He stole my necklace of precious stones! Every one I passed was a five-hour labor of love!

Muriel [witnessing the fight between Mr. Whiskers and Vermin Hemsley] I don't want any part of this bloodthirsty spectacle. I'm leaving.

Attendee: Hey, wait a few seconds, lady. You can take your dead rat with you.

Muriel: What?! I didn't raise no punk! Kill him, Mr. Whiskers! Get him off ya! Fight like you're fightin' off a drunk, dirty uncle!

Don King: You're still wearin' that sweatsuit I bought you on our trip to Paris!

Thurgood: [gasps] Paris? Is that were you were that summer? You wrote me and told me you was at Camp Elsie!

Muriel: That was the Champs-Élysées.

Ghetto Superstars [2.12]

Thurgood: Welcome to the projects. No one's ever escaped, so don't even try. I'm gonna be your worst nightmare. When I'm through with you, you're gonna wish you never killed that cop.

Infamous QT: Man, I ain't kill no cop. I'm here 'cause I ain't pay my taxes.

Thurgood: You make over $6000 a year?

QT: Yeah.

Thurgood: Well, we got a regular Chris Rockefeller here. "Ooh, look at me! I'm in a tax bracket! I live above the poverty line! Hey, everybody, I'm a thousandaire!" Well, guess who's gonna be laughin' all the way to the bank of Hovind? Me, 'cause I've got Donald Trump tarrin' my roof.

QT: Man, this has already been tarred.

Thurgood: Well, around here, we do things the Thurgood Stubbs way, and that means re-tarred.

Calvin: Super, do you know who that is? It's Infamous QT!

Thurgood: Infamous who?

Calvin: Q-T! Of QT Records! He's a big-time rapper!

Smokey: [rising out of the dumpster] You mean I was kicked out by a celebrity? I'll never wash myself again.

[deciding names for Calvin and Juicy ahead of their audition]

Thurgood: Calvin, you're No Daddy Kane. And Juicy?

Juicy: I want to be Notorious BLT.

Thurgood: No. You gonna be Dangerous EKG.

Calvin: We're thinkin' about M.C. Chunk and Super Smooth.

Juicy: 'Cause our rhymes stick to you like peanut butter.

[Juicy high-fives Calvin and they giggle]

Thurgood: Fine. Choose your own name. [to himself] I oughta call you the Biatch Boys.

What's Eating Juicy Hudson? [2.13]

Papa Hudson: [seeing Juicy arriving home hours later after he paged him] Didn't you get my page?

Juicy: Oh, you paged me? Um, I guess the batteries are dead.

Papa Hudson: Really? Well, I just put new ones in. Let me see it.

Juicy: Oh, okay. I remember what happened. See, I was walkin', right? And I think my pager slipped, and it fell in the street, right? And then this car came, and-and it ran it over. Over and over, and it broke it into a thousand pieces! But I'm okay.

Papa Hudson: So the pager's destroyed, huh? Well, then I guess crack must be pixie dust because Smokey pulled THIS [holds up Juicy's pager] out of his magic dumpster!

Smokey: I left the crème brulee in the oven, it needs another 20 minutes. If you need anything tonight, just call my service. I check in every hour.

Cliffhangin' with Mr. Super [2.14]

[Haiti Lady is taking her citizenship test]

Muriel: Who was the sixteenth President of the United States?

Haiti Lady: Um...

Muriel: Abe...

Haiti Lady: Vigoda?

Calvin: Juicy, did you notice anything weird about that guy?

Juicy: No. He seemed like a perfectly normal guy in a suit.

Calvin: Exactly! I mean, who wears a suit in the projects?

Juicy: Jehovah witnesses?

[Thurgood has slept with Bebe during a hangover]

Thurgood: All right, just stay calm. There has got to be a good explanation for this.

Bebe: Well, I was drunk.

Thurgood: No fair! That's what I was gonna say!

The Jeffersons [2.15]

Calvin: Our school is tryin' to start a library. Any books that you could donate would be greatly appreciated.

Muriel: I don't understand. Why don't you all use the public library?

Calvin: They closed it. We heard they're gonna tear it down.

Thurgood: What?! They closed the library?! Now, see, that just ain't right. Where the hell are all the homeless people supposed to take their naps? Somethin' oughta be done.

Jimmy: I'll tell you why they closed that library. There's nothin' scarier to a man than a brother with a book.

Thurgood: Yeah, that's deep. Where you hear that?

Jimmy: Rerun said it on What's Happening!!.

Muriel: Thurgood, you're related to somebody very, very famous!

Thurgood: Oh my God. Oh my goodness, really, who is it? Who is it? Who is it?! Let-- no, let me guess. I wanna guess. Somebody famous, someone famous. Who could that be? Uhm... Famous Amos!

Muriel: Lemme give you a hint: it's someone who lived in the 18th century.

Thurgood: Look, is it or is it not Famous Amos?

Muriel: No, it's not.

Thurgood: Okay, well, you didn't say that?!

Muriel: It's Thomas Jefferson!

Thurgood: [reading the similarities between Thomas Jefferson and himself] Jefferson made the Louisiana Purchase. I just purchased some Louisiana. Jefferson lived in Monticello. I used to drive a Monte Carlo.

Muriel: Jefferson's on a two-dollar bill, you have two dollars in your savings account.

Thurgood: Now you got it, Muriel.

Robbin' HUD [2.16]

Thurgood [narrating]: The choking gas was everywhere, fillin' my lung. It looked like your humble narrator was about to meet his pitiful end, when suddenly, I saw them.

[Thurgood sees several water filters in a vault.]

Thurgood [continues narrating] The filters. They'd lie to us. And why? Because a thirty-nine cent part was worth much more to them than human lives. It was then that I realized that violence was not the answer. Robbery was. And then, like a public school, everything went black.

Thurgood [after seeing a squad assembled of their neighbors] This is the A Team?

Walter: Er... The A-Team had a previous engagement.

Thurgood: The B-Team?

Walter: Let's just say they're in the first half of the alphabet and leave it at that.

Sanchez [as the other tenants steal toilet paper from HUD]: Shouldn't we stop and think about this before we do something rash?

Mrs. Avery: It's the rash what's makin' me take it.

Jimmy: Hey, we got every right to steal this!

Sanchez: Taking the water filter was one thing, but this is just pure greed! We don't need this stuff! We're doing just fine with our phonebooks and Pizza Hut flyers! Do we really wanna sink this low?

Jimmy: Hmm... I do.

Mrs. Avery: I do.

Walter: I do it all the time. [giggles]

Sanchez: Aw, what the hell? You only suffer through life once.

Thurgood: [seeing Sanchez throw rolls of toilet paper out his window] Sanchez, what the hell are you doin'?

Sanchez: Finally, I have something Castro doesn't have. Viva la revolucion!

Thurgood: Sanchez, put that away before you get us all arrested!

Mrs. Avery: Yeah! Ain't you got no sense, Ricky Retardo?!

Muriel: [persuading Thurgood not to burn the stolen toilet paper] Don't fight it, Thurgood. It'll be much easier if you just join us.

Walter: The lady's smart, Thurgood. Now, you be smart, too. Just give us the white and nobody gets hurt but you.

Thurgood: Just look at you! Look at all of you! You're pathetic! You should be ashamed, because you was this close to takin' the life of a fellow man! Not for honor, not for freedom, not even for sneakers! You was gonna commit murder for THIS! [holds up roll of toilet paper]

Mrs. Avery: He's got our toilet paper! Kill him!

The Last Affirmative Action Hero [2.17]

[Thurgood enters his bedroom only for lights outside to suddenly turn on]

Muriel: What is that? What's going on?

Thurgood: There's only one logical explanation: the mothership has landed, just like Bootsy predicted!

Muriel: I'm sure it's not aliens; it's probably just the police. Goodie, come back to bed.

Thurgood: Look, I'll be back in a few minutes, but now, it is my celestial duty to spread my funk throughout the universe.

Parole Officer and a Gentleman [2.18]

Jimmy: Man, that's the quiet storm.

Sanchez: Walter, that is one nasty bass line.

Thurgood: Eat your heart out, beginning of Barney Miller.

Walter: So Thurgood, uh, you feel inspired to write some of your smooth-daddy lyrics?

Thurgood: Hey, we a song-writin' team, ain't we? Just like Rodgers and Hammertime.

Walter: Thurgood, why do you insist on pushin' me into that place I really don't want to go? It's such a dark, cold place.

Thurgood: Me pushin' you?! You're the one that's been ridin' me all week!

Walter: That's because, unlike you, I pride myself on my job.

Thurgood: Ha! That's a laugh! You're the most corrupt probation officer in the city.

Walter: Corrupt? How can you say that?

Thurgood: Oh, come now, don't you play Mr. Clean around me. You have railroaded more people than Amtrak. Now, all of a sudden, when it comes to me, you want to find your conscience. Well, where was it, Walter? Stuffed in your trunk with a garbage bag wrapped around its head?

Walter: Okay, Thurgood. It's true. You know, when I was a cop, I saw that the justice system didn't always work. Sometimes it needed a little help from me. But when I voluntarily accepted forced retirement, I went over to the penal system, where things do work. So I ain't into clearing the losers off the streets no more. Now I make productive people, [poking Thurgood] one loser at a time.

Thurgood: Why, you big, fat, four-eyes, self-righteous bag of wind fat boy! I violated my parole. Yeah, I violated my parole, Walter! So what?! I violated! Big deal! I violated! What you gonna do, ground me?

[cut to Walter strapping a detector around Thurgood's leg]

Walter: Welcome to house arrest!

[Ending. Thurgood and Walter watch arena football]

Walter: Now, wait a minute. How come that guy's running backwards?

Thurgood: Hey, this is arena football. Didn't you ever hear of a four-point conversion?

Walter: Oh. Thurgood, I'm your best friend again, right?

Thurgood: Right.

Walter: Arena football sucks.

Boyz Under the Hood [3.01]

Thurgood: Calvin! Juicy! What the hell are you doin' in this old car?

Calvin: It's our tank.

Thurgood: Don't you know better than to go playin' in someone else's property?

Calvin: But Super, it's abandoned.

Thurgood: Well, just because you find somethin' abandoned, doesn't mean it's yours! Hell, if that was the case, I'd have eleven kids by now.

Muriel: Thurgood, you've been out all night!

Thurgood: Well, we had to wait for Juicy to sober up so he could drive us home.

Muriel: Thurgood!

Thurgood: I know, I know. We stayed out too late, but he'd never seen an R-rated movie, so we took him to the late show of American Booty.

Calvin: You mean to tell me he saw bare boobies while I'm washin' out Super's racin' stripes?!

Scarthroat [3.02]

[Thurgood is getting supplies for the New Year's party]

HUD Lady: Party supplies? Hmm. Let me consult the manual. Let's see: supplies, comma, party. Ah! Here it is: NEXT!

Thurgood: Hey, hey, come on, it'll be a safe party. No one's gonna get hurt. We just fire our guns straight up in the air, the bullets disappear into space.

HUD Lady: Fine! Then throw your own party! The only thing HUD's required to give you for New Year's 2000 is this. [gives him a survival kit]

Thurgood: Millennium safety kit? Ooh, it's endorsed by Gloria Gaynor.

HUD Lady: See you NEXT year.

Smoke Gets In Your High-Rise [3.03]

[Calvin and Juicy stare at the Koolio Krokodile billboard.]

Juicy: I've been staring at it for an hour, and I still don't see anything dirty.

Calvin: Look, man: right above the chin is the "B", the two eyes make the "OO", under the nose is the "T", and his teeth make the "Y". It says "booty"! That's how they make grown-ups think cigarettes are sexy.

Juicy: Cigarettes aren't sexy. Your mom's sexy.

Koolio Krokodile Billboard: Remember back when you were young, good-lookin', and got all the hottest ladies?

Thurgood: Well, I remember being young, but I'm a little hazy about the ladies.

Koolio: Come on, now, think back. You remember.

Thurgood: Oh, yeah, y-y-yeah. Yeah, yeah, that's right! I remember now! I hit all the parties, I drove a fast car, and for a while, I solved crimes in Miami with a white guy.

Koolio: That's the Thurgood I'm talkin' 'bout. And you can have it all again by havin' just one minty fresh Koolio cigarette.

Thurgood: Really?

Koolio: Damn straight. Sanchez left a pack by my left claw. Now go ahead and puff, daddy.

[after Thurgood rescues Calvin and Juicy from the burning projects building...]

Juicy: Super saved our lives!

Calvin: No, cigarettes saved our lives.

Juicy: But Super gave us the cigarettes, so--

Thurgood: [cuts Juicy off] Can we just agree I saved our lives and not analyze it to death?

National Buffoon's European Vacation [3.04]

Thurgood: Are you bakin' my favorite cake?

Muriel: Well, Thurgood, it is my birthday.

Thurgood: Boy, you only know one tune. "My birthday. My side of the bed. My underwear!"

Thurgood: Now, when a man plunges his toilet, he has the right to expect that he's the only man plungin' that toilet. And what, I ask, could be lower, than plungin' another man's toilet? One of you has the hots for Muriel and is sendin' her flowers.

Walter: So let me get this straight: you're comparin' yo' wife to a toilet?

Thurgood: Sanchez. It was you, wasn't it?

Sanchez: Actually, I've never been attracted to women-- [his electrolarynx runs out of batteries; shakes it]

Thurgood: Well, I suppose that comes as news to no one.

Sanchez: Y-y-you didn't let me finish! Women who are married to my friends!

Cruising for a Bluesing [3.05]

Sanchez: I'm afraid to go any further! There could be gangsters!

Jimmy: And hoodlums!

Walter: And thugs.

Thurgood: So what?

All four: Gangsters and hoodlums and thugs, so what? Gangsters and hoodlums and thugs, so what?

It Takes a Thurgood [3.06]

Thurgood: Now, there comes a point in every little boy's life when he thinks it might be fun to wear a dress, dance around, and ask people to call him "Shirley" instead of "Thurgood". [realizes what he said] And there's nothin' wrong with that.

Calvin: Yes, there is! Sounds like a punk to me.

Juicy: Don't talk to Shirley like that.

[Attempting to get Sharique to adapt to the projects]

Thurgood: Now think about what you're trying to represent. A life of bleak prospects and hopelessness.

Sharique: Da mack on crack is sho'nuff wack.

Thurgood: What was that?

Sharique: Da mack on crack is sho'nuff wack.

Juicy: I think she's got it.

Thurgood: By Chicken George, I think she's got it!

Sharique: Da mack on crack is sho'nuff wack, yo!

Calvin: I believe she's rollin'!

Juicy: I do believe she's rollin'.

Thurgood: Now, once again, what is that mack?

Sharique: On crack! On crack!

Thurgood: And the effect of that punk-ass crack?

Sharique: It's wack! It's wack!

All four: Da mack on crack is sho'nuff wack! Yo!

Miracle Cleaner on 134th Street [3.07]

Thurgood: [about to fall in an elevator shaft] That shaft looks like a bad mother--

Mrs. Avery: Shut yo' mouth!

Survival: In tha Hood [3.08]

Litvac Industries Representative: We've called you fine people here to offer you the adventure of a lifetime!

Juicy: Ooh! We gonna go clubbin' with Puffy?

Litvac Industries Representative: Not quite. You're gonna live outdoors without the luxuries of your homes for 40 days!

Thurgood: 40 days? That's almost... [counts the numbers] 50 days!

Let's Get Ready to Rumba [3.09]

Thurgood: [setting up the poster for the 8th Annual HUD Ball] HUD's balls really swing, though last year's ball got pretty hairy. What with the heat wave, that was one sweaty ball. [chuckles] I'm funny when I'm alone. [looks at the poster] "Can you beat our reigning king and queen of the dance contest?" [looks at the image of Jimmy and Bebe] Hmm. Look at 'em. King Loser the XIV and Queen Laqueefa.

Jimmy: [clears throat] Big talk comin' from a guy who won't even enter. You're the king of excuses.

Bebe: Thurgood'll say anythang to get outta that contest. What was it last year, baby? He ate a hamburger and got Sheila E. coli.

A Race to His Credit [3.10]

[Thurgood does his workout-- as in, changing channels with his remote]

Thurgood: Thumb sprain! And stuck on BTV. I pray it's not the Amen marathon.

TV Announcer: It's kung-fu action like you've never seen before. See two sexy foxes and their all-girl kung-fu fighting army. It's non-stop bone-crushing destruction. Black Mama, White Mama.

Thurgood: Oh yeah! Please say "Comin' up next."

Announcer: Coming up next...

Thurgood: Yahtzee!

Announcer: ...Mugged on BTV Extra Smooth.

Thurgood: BTV Extra Smooth? Do I get that channel?

Announcer: BTV Extra Smooth is available only through Deep Dish TV satellite systems.

Thurgood: Where do I get one of those?

Announcer: Deep Dish TV on sale now at the Hood Guys for only $249.95.

Thurgood: [turns off the TV] I gotta raise some money. I'd have a garage sale, but I don't have a garage. I'd have a yard sale, but I don't have a yard. [scratches himself furiously] But I got everything a need for a flea market.

Walter: Are you actually tryin' to sell your mail?

Thurgood: Where some men see a stack of phone bills, I see a classy set of coasters.

Walter: You know, it says here you've been pre-approved for the African-American Express credit card.

Thurgood: Credit card? Me? Ain't no one in the projects with plastic. Except for Muriel and her vibrating therapeutic back massager.

Red Man's Burden [3.11]

Calvin: [narrating] Sometimes, there's so much beauty in the projects, my heart could burst. [picks up a floating paper bag]

Thurgood: See, boys? Nothin' gives you a greater sense of pride than cleanin' up the neighborhood.

Juicy: But Super, didn't the judge order you to do this community service?

Thurgood: Look, we could argue all day about who was and who wasn't arrested for public urination, but I'll be the bigger man and do my community service. [picks up a small wad of paper] There, the courtyard is clean. Was that so hard? [a piece of paper hits him] What the Funky Phantom?

Thurgood: So you're not black. So what? Nothin's really changed.

Jimmy: Everything's changed. I thought I knew who I was. Ever since I was nine, I built up a whole image of my father. A strong, powerful soldier, like the black G.I. Joe. You know, the one that looks like the brother on 60 Minutes.

Thurgood: Well, now you got a new image. A strong, powerful Korean, and he's still got kung-fu grip.

Jimmy: Don't you get it?! I don't want to be Korean! They kicked my mother out in disgrace.

Clip Show [3.12]

James T. Bagger: Tell us, how did you arrive at a performance that evokes such a provocatively resonant verisimilitude?

Thurgood: [in character voice] Now, what the hell is that supposed to mean?! [audience laughs. He switches to his deep voice] Gotcha, James. Nah, I just made the voice up. Same way I make up the dialogue.

James: So, there are no scripts?

Thurgood: Nope. I make this [bleep] up as I go along.

James: You received your education right here at the Actors Theatre, did you not?

Thurgood: Oh man, [laughs], Yeah, that was back when I was sharing a crib with Bobby and Marty.

James: De Niro and Scorsese?

Thurgood: Oh, no, man, Denver and Fellman.

James: I'm sure you will leave our audience enlightened and informed.

Thurgood: That won't be hard, and you ain't got much of an audience. But this show's on cable, right?

James: We're on the Bravo network.

Thurgood: Never heard of it.

[last lines of the series]

James: What would you like to hear God say when you arrive?

Thurgood: The jokes aren't whitey 'cause we own heaven.