Who's Afraid of the Big, Bad Dark? [1.02]

[after the chase of the slime monster]

Kermit: [sighs] [opens the fence board to check] I think we lost it. [closes it] [sees someone in a ghost costume which makes 11 of the kids] Hey, wait a minute. 1, 2, 3... that's funny. How many of us were there when we started the story?

Gonzo: 10. Why?

Kermit: 10? Why, uh, [points at someone in a ghost costume] I think we picked up a stray.

Gonzo: [removes the sheet and it turns out to be the slime monster]

Slime Monster: [growls]

Kids: Slime monster!

Gonzo: Let's get outta here! Help!

[in the haunted house]

Skeeter: [comes out of the sheet] Are you sure you saw the slime monster in that closet, Gonzo?

Gonzo: [comes out of the sheet] I don't know. Maybe it was my imagination.

Fozzie:: [comes out of the sheet] That's right. That's all it was. There aren't any slime monsters around here, uh, are there?

Slime monster: [comes out of the sheet, roars]

Fozzie: That's good. For a minute there, I was getting worried. [gives a shocked look] Slime monster!

Kids: [run away] Slime monster!

Animal: Monster! Aah!

Beaker: Slime monster!

Fozzie: [to the slime monster] When does a ghost need a license?

Slime Monster: [scratches it's head] [blubbers, "I don't know"]

Fozzie: During haunting season! [laughs nervously] Pretty funny, huh?

Slime Monster: [roars]

Raiders of the Lost Muppet [1.04]

Gonzo: Let's synchronize our watches.

Scooter: We don't have any watches.

Gonzo: That's okay, I don't know what synchronize means anyway.

Fozzie: This fantasy is rated PG. We're under age.

Skeeter: Rowlf can pick up the scent.

Rowlf: I didn't know anybody dropped it.

Close Encounters of the Frog Kind [1.09]

Kermit: They don't call me the fastest gum in the west for nothing, ya know.

Piggy: [reading to Robin] And so Piggy followed the little tadpole down its tadpole hole. (as herself) Oh, I'm falling!

Gonzo: Hold everything! You're not telling the story right, Piggy. The pictures show Alice chasing a white rabbit down a rabbit hole not a tadpole hole.

Piggy: I say it's a tadpole and he went down a tadpole hole and if you don't want to wind up stuffed in a weirdo hole you better keep quiet!

Piggy: (about Robin) He's adorable, just like his Uncle Kermie.

Kermit: Uncle Kermie? I never asked to be an uncle.

Skeeter: Kermit! Nobody asks to be an uncle. Your big sister had babies, that makes you an uncle, and the babies are your nieces and nephews.

Kermit: Oh, that's different.

Gonzo's Video Show [1.10]

Gonzo: [trying to adjust video camera] Hey, stay in focus. You're fuzzy.

Fozzie: No way, Gonzo. I'm not Fuzzy, I'm Fozzie.

[The Muppets are making a movie; Gonzo is directing.]

Piggy: And I'm going to be the producer.

Kermit: Gee, what do producers do, Piggy?

Piggy: THEY FIRE DIRECTORS! (lunges at Gonzo)

[after the Muppets decide to make a Star Wars movie]

Fozzie: Oh, I know who I can play! [grabs two belts] I could play Whewbacca the Cookie!

Kermit: Um, that's Chewbacca the Wookie, Fozzie.

Fozzie: That's what I said, Cuchacca the Bookie.

Kermit: Oh Gee.

Fozzie's Last Laugh [2.03]

Piggy: Scooter, if you had ten hot dogs and Skeeter took three of them, what would you have?

Fozzie: He'd have a tummy ache. Get it? Ha ha. Wokka wokka wokka.

Piggy: If you have to tell jokes then tell them to the wall.

Fozzie: Okay, hey wall, why did the man put a sweater on his hot dog? Because it was a chili dog. Wokka wokka wokka.

Fozzie: What's the difference between an orange?

Nanny: Go ahead, Fozzie, finish the joke.

Fozzie: It *is* finished. *That's* the joke.

Fozzie has given up on comedy and now taken a job as a door-to-door salesman

Piggy: Who is it?

Fozzie: Door-to-door salesman.

Piggy: Is this anything funny?

Fozzie: Not at all, M'aam. These are unique encyclopedias.

Piggy: OK, come on in.

Fozzie: These encyclopedia are where you open it up, the subject comes to you! Look at "P", a parrot!

Parrot appears

Piggy: Neat! How about "O"?

Fozzie: Careful, because you may get the...water appears...ocean!

Ocean destroys entire house save for couch, where Piggy and Fozzie are now adrift on

Piggy: Quick! Open up "N" and get us the Navy!

Oranges appear on couch

Fozzie: I got us navel oranges!

The Muppet Museum of Art [2.11]

Fozzie: (about his painting) Pretty good, huh? I think I'll call it "Still-Life With Tomatoes."

[Scooter retches]

Rowlf: I think you oughta stick to telling jokes, Fozzie.

When you Wish Upon a Muppet [2.13]

Piggy: I know what Kermit's wish is. It's that we get married.

Kermit: I don't wanna waste a wish.

Piggy: WHAT?

Kermit: Uh, on something that's gonna happen anyway.

Pigerella [3.01]

[In a Cinderella parody]

Piggy: [answering the door] Who is it? You never know when the Big Bad Wolf might turn up.

Muppets in Toyland [3.04]

Fozzie: [Hops on toy motorcycle but it will not go] Aw gee, my imagination must be outta gas.

Gonzo: Personally, I never could figure out these toys that change from one thing to another.

The Muppet Broadcasting Company [3.05]

[After the power to the nursery is lost]

Gonzo: Come on, let's set up the dominos again.

Skeeter: But we won't be able to see them.

Fozzie: That's okay. We didn't see them the first time either.

Others: Fozzie!

Fozzie: Sorry.

"Fozzie Burns": So tell me, Animal Allen, what do you call a grape fish with jelly on it?

"Animal Allen": Dinner! [Laughs hysterically]

[Audience laughs]

"Fozzie Burns": No, that's not right! You call a grape fish with jelly on it a Grape Jellyfish! Wokka wokka wokka!

[Audience boos and throws tomatoes]

"Fozzie Burns": Wait a minute! I got a better one! Tell me, Animal Allen, what do you call a kangaroo in Scotland?

"Animal Allen": Dinner! [Laughs hysterically and falls off chair]

[Audience laughs]

"Fozzie Burns": No, no, no! That's not right! You call a kangaroo in Scotland long distance. Get it? Wokka wokka wokka.

[Audience boos again and Fozzie gets hit with tomatoes]

"Fozzie Burns": Gee, it's a good thing the audience at home can't throw tomatoes at me.

[Home listeners throw tomatoes from their homes right into the theater at Fozzie]

"Fozzie Burns": Gosh, I wonder what you call a comedian that isn't funny?

"Animal Allen": Fozzie! [Laughs again]

[Audience laughs]

"Fozzie Burns": [Dejectedly] Say goodnight, Animal.

Beaker: Meep, meep meep meep.

Bunsen: You want to know how I, Sherlock Bunsen, am going to get us out of this mess? Elephant fleas, my dear Beaker, all we have to do is not listen to the next episode.

Kermit Goes to Washington [3.06]

Scooter: Abraham Lincoln was president during the Civil War. He helped free the slaves and wrote the Gettysburg address.

Kermit: Um, what is the Gettysburg address?

Statue of Abe Lincoln: Why, 227 Gettysburg Road of course.

Scooter: When I grow up, I'm going to run for Congress.

Fozzie: Gee, it's a long way to Washington, Scooter, maybe you should start running now.

Fozzie's Family Tree [3.07]

Fozzie is on a quest to find comedian ancestors. He finds himself in a football stadium with anthromorphic bears wearing football uniforms

Fozzie: Wow! The Chicago Bears! Hey, why are you so glum?

Football Player #1: We are champion football players.

Fozzie: What's wrong with that?

Football Player #2: We want to be comedians!

Fozzie: I can help with that! Huddle up, guys.

Football players huddle with Fozzie, who tells them a joke

Football Player #3: 24-36-72-Joke!

Football Player #2: Why is it always cool at a football game?

Football Player #1: Because there are always a lot of fans in the bleachers! Wokka, wokka, wokka!

Audience boos and throws tomatoes at football players. Annoyed, they chase Fozzie out of the stadium

The Daily Muppet [3.08]

Kermit is dreaming he is resting on a lilypad in a pond. Suddenly he is abuducted by a submarine full of frogs like him wearing his sailor outfit

Frog Sailor: Enemy sighted, Captain!

Captain: You are just what we need for our submarine!

Kermit salutes

Kermit: I will do my best, Captain.

Captain: Oh, we do not need another sailor. We need a torpedo!

Two frog sailors load Kermit into the torpedo tube, which then jars him awake from his nightmare

Scooter's Uncommon Cold [3.09]

Fozzie: That way, we can go inside Scooter and help him fight off his Germans.

Skeeter: That's "germs," silly.

Fozzie: That's what I said.

Rowlf: Whatcha lookin’ for, Kermit?

Kermit: This, we can use it like a road map.

Rowlf: Yeah, but how will we get around once we’re inside Scooter’s body?

Animal: Me know, me know, wawawawawawa.

Kermit: Quick, follow Animal.

Fozzie: Animal, where are you?

Kermit: He disappeared.

Animal: Submarine, wawawawawawa.

Kermit: That’s perfect, Animal, this’ll work great, come on, let’s go.

Piggy: Hey, where do we get into Scooter’s body when we’re tiny?

Gonzo: There’s only 1 place that I know, his bellybutton.

All 5 Muppet Babies Characters: Huh?

Skeeter: Are you sure, Gonzo?

Gonzo: Of course.

Scooter: (Chuckling) Hey, that’s cold. (Sneezes again)

Kermit: Okay, guys, let’s do it.

Kermit: Okay, here we go.

Viruses are threatening the Babies. Meanwhile, Scooter drank some orange juice, which has just entered his body

Viruses: Vitamin C, OH NO! Run, get out of here!

Some viruses flee, but their leader does not

Virus Leader: Quick! Put on your Anti-Vitamin C masks!

Remaining viruses don gas-mask like gear and survive attack. The Babies are still prisoner

Gonzo got separated from the Babies and is in the brain, the only of the Babies not held prisoner by the viruses

Gonzo{talking to himself}: This looks like a filing cabinet. Opens cabinet and sees pictures of Babies, to include Kermit, Rowlf, Piggy and Beeker Memory photos! Gonzo finds picture of himself blowing a gum bubble Oh no, this must be the time I stole his bubble gum! Gonzo destroys photo Heh heh, he will not remember that now!

Offscreen voice: Hold it right there! Just what do you think you are doing?

Gonzo looks around in shock to see what look like several cowboys

Gonzo: Uh, uh, who are you?

Cowboy: Name is Sheriff White Cell, and it is my job to keep order and stop outlaws in Scooter's body.

Of Mice and Muppets [3.15]

[In a Pied Piper parody]

Piggy: Once upon a time, there was a little town called Hamster.

Skeeter: I have heard this one. The town is named Hamlin, not Hamster!

Piggy: This is my story and the town is Hamster! Anyway, it was ruled by a nice mayor who gave all the kids hamsters.

Fozzie: Hamsters, get your free hamsters!

Kermit: Piggy, they are rats. Besides, in the original story, the mayor is supposed to be the bad guy.

Piggy: Eek, rats! No, my story has a kind mayor and hamsters! Anyway, there were so many hamsters they needed someone to cajole them out. Along came the Pied Piano Player!

Rowlf is hauling a grand piano

Rowlf: UGGG! Sure wish I had learned how to play the flute!

Where No Muppet Has Gone Before [4.04]

Fozzie: Gravity. Isn't that what we put on mashed potatoes?

Bunsen: That's gravy. Not gravity, Fozzie.

Fozzie: Oh, I knew that.

Journey to the Center of the Nursery [4.05]

Fozzie: This is one of the worst peanut butter and traffic jams I've ever seen. Get it? Peanut butter, traffic jam?

All: We got it.

Gonzo: We love working in salt mines, right guys?

All: Gonzo!

Fozzie: Yeah we don't even mind pepper.

All: Fozzie!

This Little Piggy went to Hollywood [4.06]

Fozzie: Don't worry Piggy, I'm a professional - OOPS! [drops his cue cards]

Piggy: You're a professional oops all right.

My Muppet Valentine [4.07]

Scooter: What happened, Fozzie?

Fozzie: Rowlf went into the closet to think about my joke. He'll probably come out when he thinks it's funny.

Skeeter: Boy, we'll never see him again.

Fozzie: Yeah... Huh?

Fozzie: Hey, Rowlf, wanna hear a funny joke?

Rowlf: No thanks, Fozzie.

Fozzie: Okay here it goes: what food do you eat with your mouth open? Give up? *See* food. Get it? Wokka, wokka, wokka.

Adventures in Muppet-Sitting [4.15]

Piggy: I've always wanted to be a baby sitter!

Fozzie: Me too! Who gets to sit on him first?

[In a Red Riding Hood parody]

Gonzo: Grandma bought some swampland in the Dagobah system.

Additional voices

• Bob Bergen - Link Hogthrob (archive footage)
• Peter Cullen – Smoggy the Bear (ep. 33), Football-Playing Bear (ep. 33)
• Pat Fraley - Announcer
• Jim Henson - Dr. Teeth (archive footage, ep. 61)
• Hal Rayle - Miss Piggy (archive footage)
• Hank Saroyan - Himself
• Debra Toffan - Herself